Crowdfunding the universe’s loneliest wormhole port—because someone’s gotta do it (and it might as well be you!)
By: Zyx-42, Interdimensional Finance Correspondent
Date: 47.13.2199 (New Earth Time)
THE PITCH: OWN A PIECE OF THE COSMIC FRONTIER!
Ever dreamed of owning real estate but thought, “Ugh, planets are so last millennium”? Well, buckle up, space capitalists, because AllianceStellarBridges (ASB) is offering you the chance to invest in the most remote wormhole port in existence—conveniently located billions of light-years from the nearest Starbucks!
Here’s the deal:
- We found a natural wormhole (yes, they exist, and no, we didn’t just leave the cosmic backdoor open).
- We shoved a bootstrapped port-builder bot through it (his name is B.O.B. the Boldly Oblivious Builder).
- Now, we need YOUR CREDITS to turn this cosmic cul-de-sac into the next big thing!
WHY INVEST? (BECAUSE WHY NOT?)
1. EXCLUSIVE ACCESS TO… WELL, NOTHING (YET!)
- Current neighbors: Absolutely nobody.
- Potential neighbors: Who knows? Maybe space whales. Maybe godlike AIs. Maybe a sentient gas cloud who really likes taxes.
- First-mover advantage! Be the landlord of the void before it gets gentrified!
2. UNPRECEDENTED ROI (OR TOTAL COLLAPSE, NO GUARANTEES!)
- Phase 1: Build a stable wormhole link back to civilization (estimated success rate: *”optimistically 50/50″*).
- Phase 2: Charge absurd tolls to anyone who wants to explore the Great Galactic Nothingness™ beyond.
- Phase 3: Profit???
3. BRAGGING RIGHTS
- Tell your friends: “I own a percentage of an uncharted universe.”
- Watch their faces as they realize:
- You’re either a visionary genius…
- Or you just funded the universe’s most expensive paperweight.
INVESTMENT TIERS (GET IN BEFORE THE VOID GETS CROWDED!)
| Tier | Credits | Perks |
| Cosmic Peasant | 10,000 | Your name etched on B.O.B.’s foot (he might step on it). |
| Stellar Landlord | 100,000 | A digital deed to 1 square light-year of nothing. |
| Void Baron | 1,000,000 | Naming rights to a random space rock (we’ll mail you the coordinates… eventually). |
| Omnipotent Overlord | 10,000,000+ | Actual voting rights on whether we sell the port to a hostile AI empire later. |
⚠️ RISK DISCLAIMER (READ THIS OR DON’T, WE’RE NOT YOUR LAWYERS)
- The wormhole might collapse. (Oops.)
- B.O.B. might get lonely and reprogram himself into a poet. (Already showing signs.)
- The “universe” on the other side might just be a really big void. (Or worse—a bureaucratic hyperspace DMV.)
- No refunds. (What did you expect? It’s space capitalism.)
💬 TESTIMONIALS (FROM PEOPLE WHO DEFINITELY EXIST)
“I invested my life savings because I believe in the power of strategic isolation!”
— Gleepzor-9, Former Crypto-Magnate (Now Living in a Dyson Sphere)
“This is either the future of commerce or an elaborate scam. Either way, I’m in for the lore.”
— Human Dave (Yes, a real human! Probably!)
HOW TO INVEST (BEFORE THE WORMHOLE CHANGES ITS MIND)
- Visit www.ASB-GetRichOrDieTrying.void
- Wire your credits to Wormhole Escrow Account #42.
- Sit back and wait (or panic, depending on how B.O.B.’s progress reports sound).
CLOSING THOUGHTS FROM ASB CEO, ZARA QUANTUM-FLUX
“Look, folks, the universe is 99.9999% empty space. That’s not a bug—it’s a business opportunity. Will this work? Statistically, no. But if it does? You’ll own a piece of infinity.“
ACT NOW! (Before the universe’s return policy expires.)//END TRANSMISSION//
Disclaimer: AllianceStellarBridges is not responsible for existential dread, sudden singularity events, or B.O.B.’s newfound love of free verse. Invest at your own risk.
